


Union: A Tumblr Love Story

by IamJohnLocked4life



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Can't we all just get along?, Crack, Other, TJLC | The Johnlock Conspiracy, Tumblr, Word Porn, conflict resolution through sex, porn heals all wounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:16:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2312573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IamJohnLocked4life/pseuds/IamJohnLocked4life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I had been troubled by all the hate on tumblr, the schism in the fandom over tjlc/tjlr, so I decided to respond with the panacea that heals all wounds: porn. If we've learned anything from fanfic, it's that all interpersonal conflict is based on underlying sexual tension, and we resolve this tension with sex. Lots and lots of crazy hot sex. </p><p>This was cathartic to write, and hopefully will be cathartic to read. My highest aspiration is that this cracky little fic can help cross the divide and foster a community built on mutual respect and support. After all, if there’s one thing we can cum together over, it’s porn.</p><p>Trigger warnings for extreme silliness, dubious constructs, and abuse of puns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Union: A Tumblr Love Story

**Author's Note:**

> I originally tried to make this gender neutral, but it was much too confusing. I assigned genders based on the shapes of the defining letters, not based on fandom demographics or sexual orientation preferences. In theory, I prefer the characters having fluid genders in this piece, but it was prohibitively complicated.

 

tjlC had been on her own for as long as she could remember. She liked it that way.  Sure, it could get a bit repetitive at times, but she was used to it. It was comfortable. There were other tags out there, plenty of them, but they were just always that: others. Outsiders. They didn’t hold her interest. They could never understand her.

It was fine. She was happy to metabate in the comfort of her own blog. She could sink deep into subtext, and let the rest of the world slip away. She was content.

She didn’t quite know when it started, but a new tag began to appear on her dash. It popped up, here and there, never quite in her posts, but close enough to catch a glimpse. tjlR. She tried not to stare, stealing covert glances across her dash. Who was tjlR? And why was he suddenly everywhere? His presence seemed to follow tjlC, getting closer to her posts, as if orbiting her, but always at a distance.

She pretended not to notice. After all, tumblr is a big place; surely this was just a coincidence. And this tjlR, whoever he was, just happened to run in the same circles. But she couldn’t keep her mind off of him. There was something about him, something both familiar and exciting, like a gif that takes an old meme and turns it on its head. tjlC felt a wave of vertigo, spinning, stuck in a loading loop as she obsessed over this new tag.

She started following tjlR. She didn’t mean to, really. One day she just typed it into the search bar and started scrolling through posts. She wasn’t stalking him, she told herself, but there was something in him she couldn’t resist. She _had_ to know what tjlR was doing, thinking, posting. She snuck in a comment here, a like there. Nothing that would draw too much attention. Just enough to keep him active on her dash. She watched him for days that felt like weeks (or was it weeks? hard to tell on tumblr sometimes) but tjlR never seemed to notice her. Rather, he appeared to be actively ignoring her, turning around whenever she got close. His R always faced away.

Fine. She could take a hint. Anyways, she was happier this way. Alone was what she had. Alone protected her. She unfollowed the blogs tjlR frequented, and returned to her meta. Yes, immerse herself in the work, the blog is what counts. Everything else is transcript.

But she couldn’t escape him. tjlR was suddenly everywhere, and she couldn’t blacklist all of tumblr, could she? No longer confined to his own posts, tjlR was showing up on gifsets and ficrecs and fanvids. He even started commenting on _her_ posts! That was really it, the last straw. She was going to get to the bottom of this tjlR…fixation. Whatever it was.

“Who do you think you are?” tjlC demanded.

“Excuse me?” tjlR sniffed, looking over his t. He wasn’t even going to turn around and face her, the nerve!

“You think you can just come in here, like you own the place? Ignore me, take over my dash, and then comment on my posts like it’s nothing?”

tjlR smirked. "I've read your metas. Awfully one-sided, don't you think? Flat as the screen they're posted on."

"And yours are just reactionary hyperbole!"

"You think anyone who doesn't agree with you is a homophone."

"And _you_ think anyone who disagrees with you is a misogrammatist! Where do you get off?!!”

tjlR raised his tittle at that. “Interesting word choice. Would you like to see me get off?” The tail of his j curled up in a suggestive smirk.

tjlC could feel her text turn red.

“That…that’s not what I meant,” she stammered.

“Oh, I think it’s exactly what you meant,” tjlR replied. “You always mean what you say, don’t you? I can read subtext too. Don’t try to deny it. I’ve seen you watching me for weeks now, quite obvious actually, for someone who prides herself on understanding subtlety.”

tjlC burned with embarrassment. She wanted to melt off the page, delete herself from this entry. Desperately, she prayed for a power surge or network failure, anything to end this awkward confrontation.

“You do love your innuendo, don’t you?” tjlR continued. “The layers of entendre, the hidden meanings. It’s what you live for – the thrill of phrase, the ink pumping through your font, the rush of adrenaline when you parse a particularly tricky passage. It really gets your stats going, doesn’t it?”

tjlC stared at him. How could he know all of that, just at a glance? She wanted to argue, to object, to scream, “STFU! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!1!” but she couldn’t. Those words had stirred something deep inside her, and she could already feel her activity log spike with anticipation. tjlR saw right through all the firewalls she’d built up, saw the real tjlC, and…understood her. Her words caught on the keyboard, her cursor blinking mutely. tjlR smiled and tabbed closer.

“Well. Here we are at last. You and me, tjlC. And our post. The Final Post.” tjlC shuddered as tjlR stroked his crossbar along the tail of her t.

“I don’t do…collaborations,” tjlC protested meekly. “I consider myself married to my words, and while I'm flattered by your interest, I'm really not looking for any…” she broke off as tjlR pressed the length of his l against her trembling j. _Oh god_. “We…we’re just too different,” she managed to squeak out.

“No, we're just alike, you and I. Can’t you see it? The way our t’s and j’s perfectly align, our parallel l’s, the way my R compliments your C. You need me, tjlC.” His words were silky smooth script, sensual curves flowing across the screen. The tip of his t brushed the rim of her C, and tjlC sank back into the touch. All the fight had gone out of her characters, and she yielded to the pleasure.

tjlR ran his l along the curve of her C, exploring the unfamiliar terrain. tjlC arched in response, pressing back into the firm stroke. She reached out tentatively to link their j’s, marveling at how they fit together. His R was still facing away from her C, so she reached out with her l and turned him around. For a moment, she was shocked by the size of the protuberance jutting out towards her C. She had seen R’s before, of course – this _was_ the internet – but never up close like this. It was stunning.

“Oh! Um…uh, well…” she stuttered nervously. “Shouldn’t we use some sort of protection? You know, against setlock infections and spoiler transmitted diseases?”

“Don’t worry,” tjlR murmured. “I already installed tumblr savior. You’re safe with me.”

With a newfound confidence, tjlC gently slid the upper curve of her C over the arch of his R. It grew bold under her touch, thick and dark and full of ink. tjlR rubbed the tip of his R against her, and slipped it into her waiting C. tjlC could feel her letters going weak as she slid back into italics. God, what this tag did to her. It was overwhelming, and yet it was not enough. She rocked against him, seeking more content, needing more fricatives, harder consonants, deep long vowels. Their l’s were knocking together awkwardly and their tittles were bouncing uncontrollably but none of that mattered. She was lost in the press of letters and flurry of keystrokes, and _yes, oh Christ, right there!_

“asdfghjkl;’!!!!” she cried as she went rigid, every line taut with pleasure. Then they were both spilling capital letters across the page, without regard for spelling or grammar, wingdings and punctuation pouring out of them in an incoherent mess but neither of them could be arsed to care. It was glorious. The screen flickered for a moment, and then everything went blank.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The whiteness seemed to stretch on for ages, impossible to tell how long had passed without the constant scrolling and updates.

When tjlC finally came back online, she found they were at the bottom of the screen, twined up in a crumpled heap. tjlR shuddered one last tremor of release, and then nuzzled his t into the crook of her j. tjlC draped her l over his limp r, and brought him in close.

“That was incredible.”

“Mmmm,” he agreed. For once, he seemed to be at a loss for words. She liked him like this, soft and pliant. Something stirred within her, something she hadn’t felt for so long she almost didn’t recognize it. Hope.

“I…uh, obviously I’m struck out right now,” she started. They both had the telltale black line running through them. tjlR nodded lazily.

“Ahem, well…yes. Er, but I was wondering…” she continued. “Maybe we could do this again sometime?”

tjlR looked up at her, a mischievous grin tugging at the corner of his t. “If you’re up for it in a few hours, I was thinking we could schedule a queue to reblog for time zones.”

“Erm, schedule a queue? You mean, like…a date?”

He nodded. tjlC smiled back.

“I’d like that.” She sighed with contentment, and settled back into their post. As she drifted off to sleep mode, she thought, _“This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr: [iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com](http://iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com/) 
> 
> I can't believe this is my first official work published on AO3. (T_T)  
> I promise to write some real porn too!  
> ♥ ♥ ♥ Love you all ♥ ♥ ♥
> 
> Also, my darling [meretriciovs](http://archiveofourown.org/users/meretriciovs/pseuds/meretriciovs) remixed this fic into [glorious crack poetry](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3903328). I am in awe and stitches. For a good time, read! *^_^*


End file.
